i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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