You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
accomplished twins. life is a go
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
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