the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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