dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
