Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The air was thick with penises
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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