JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
