Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my shit smells like andre
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
