please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
