I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
