put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
