Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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