I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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