There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
