She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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