you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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