I think I died a long time ago.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
