No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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