she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
