I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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