I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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