Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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