Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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