My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
