Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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