I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
