Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
