I wish my penis had an off switch
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
