Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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