My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
