i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
