Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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