My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
