why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
