i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
