in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
