I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
