he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
