There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Text me some of your sweat
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
