Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
