I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize