Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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