Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
