Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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