There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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