Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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