I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
