can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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