im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
