btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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