i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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