My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
