Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
