i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
