Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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