You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
And then he peed in my hair
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