I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
