I wish I could teleport
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
