Already got asked if we're dating
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
