she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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