Whats the glycemic index on semen?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
