I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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