I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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