Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
