Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
